Accepted and Understood

Its funny how dreams come out so opposite from reality. But I guess that's how things are here; You can only dream of the impossible.

But no regrets whatsoever. Things happen and no matter what, it was inevitable. It was already a ticking time bomb that went on for years and despite the timer running out, it did not explode. It simply went into its negatives and was probably still counting down until today.

Two very different posts eh? But the same outcome of one thing. Its over. 

But I'm happier now and honestly I think you are/will be too. It's a huge weight off each of our shoulders and I now wholeheartedly believe that things can be better should we meet again in future. But for now, the separation has to come first and it is definitely needed. 

5 Years.

Maybe after all of it, I can confidently reintroduce myself to you but for now...

"Hi, I'm Louis, I'm friends with V, T and B. Wish you all the best in UK and hope things will be smooth sailing for you. Maybe when you get back we can meet up so you can share your experiences there. Have fun, take care and...

Bon Voyage 

Accepted and Understood by,

Louis

Yes does not always mean yes.. and no doesnt always mean no.. facial expression..mood..scene..timing.. read it yo

Seriously need to do what is right and not what the person says at that point of time ..of course this too is based on sitauation...

Clearly sad or annoyed dunnid ask le wad..just cause say ignore that long stretch of rant doesnt mean ignore it like.. wudd so ting hua meh

Then straight move on talk about your own self.. first thing i think of is selfish poopcakes

Its so upsetting..

Its something embed in my personality.. my nature.. i cannot help thinking in such a way..but gosh.. its so sad that no one else is affected by it.. like.. really?

I just wish i can dumb down my thoughts.. else really.. i will forever be so frustrated over silly things that even the people who caused them are like... wuuuuuuuddd.. got problem meh... hayeyusmfoeksknek..

Whats with people and smacking their food/ slurping.. its normal but lol i find it damn annoying till now

I hate my personality. Like..everything that could possibly make me feel upset in anyway is all because of my feelings towards things. Things that normal people don't even find the least bit offensive towards them.

Working now, just cause I tell people all the time that I get to play at work, doesn't literally mean I play ALL the time. Finish task then can play but after like 1hr or 30mins get another task. Yeah its still good but basically, get the idea down yeah? And even with sucha "good" thing I'm saying it from MY point of view... others can have up to 5hrs of play time and some even better. NO TASK.

Its not about working smart or whatever. Its about feeling the guilt of watching other people do work while u play. I don't have that much of a fuck up attitude to just sit there and not feel guilty about it. Yet here I am all the time feeling like shit cause I take up their work. As for today.. I didn't have much assigned to me.. I finished by like 12pm with 6hrs left on the clock. I did task on some task eventually but somehow it just got me nagged at...simply because it was a game testing task...did i enjoy playing the game.. yeah kinda? It was laggy due to the configuration I had to follow but yeah I still did it, seeing it as a task. Would I play it if it wasnt a task? No. So disgusting to be shot with something that makes me feel that I am trying to laze around even though I know I am probably one of the hardest workers there..maybe even the hardest one..But I improved already... I can tahan more now... all I need is a scratch to my arm to rage a little. Still got some scratch marks but its ok .. no pain :D

But you know .. the usual... some people say that if u don't feel happy at your job, quit. Well.. yeah I dun really feel "happy"every single day... yet I work .. I have my own reasons.. Does everyone really thing that I am working cause i get to play all the way? No. The work and stress that is thrown at me is not worth that $6 per hr and for like 1hr of play. I can feel it through the conversation sometimes.. like.. oh he rather work than go out with us or whatever.. but thats where my personality fcked up shit comes in..

I am competitive like.. FUCKING COMPETITIVE...the idea of earning even a dollar lesser than some1 else pisses me off... just like maple.. if you somehow over level me by 1... sure i will try to catch up by playing 2x harder, but if i fail.. i simply either delete you off my list, remake a new character to play by myself or simply just ignore you to play by myself all while slowly losing motivation to play.. I like to win.. I LOVE TO WIN.. i wan to win in everything.. singing, dancing, games, marks, and now even money. If i go out with people.. I lose that little bit of money that I could have recieved...I will have that moment of comparison when recieving my paycheck.. and i will feel the shit of it for a REALLLY long time.

But thats not all.. putting this amount of effort to my work...I feel like I deserve more money than some of the people there...people who slack off and yet get the same amount as me..."working" during OT hours to get extra money while not doing jack shit during normal hours... Why can't I come as late as them.. not recieve any task cause of how late I came but still write the full hours for free money?

I have my uni thing tmr... reading that email really pissed me off big time... like.. there I go.. now for the next week or so.. all i can think about is how I lost like...$108 worth of money or smth like that...its alot...there are only like how many saturdayss... ot pay increased you know?..why else do i NOT want to go out on sunday and saturday?

Not to mention ... the task is FUCKING easy....like...really? These are the ONLY times i feel like i am getting wad i deserve... doing a little lesser to earn that extra money to compensate myself or smth like that...

I dun blame people for not understanding why I am mad...they shoulden't.. having this kind of competitiveness is handsdown fucked up..

Its to the level that I can easily cry simply by thinking about my lost. Even if its like a pitiful amount of $108. I feel like I should quit...but the thought of having ex-workmates tell me how much they earned a month later will definately annoy me to no ends.

Yeah.. thats why I rarely/dont go out with friends...I do try... I do work fast and hope that no other task pops up so that there will be no ot so that I can do a last min "HEY GUISE LETS GO OUT".. but it never works.. somehow there is always one new task...

Going out will simply make me feel the annoyance of losing for a long time. As if I ain't sad enough about some of the shit going on here already.

Its so funny how we always tell one another to not worry too much...dun be so compeitive all this.. yet we ourselves simply fail to do it..

Yeah..Sacrificing friends/bonding to feel a tad bit happier about working. the joys of life.. others try to escape from work.. i choose to work and try to constantly work so that I dun lose in such stupid things...stupid things that can easily make me feel so shitty for so long.. ahhh awesome personality is awesome.

And seriously.. some people shud learn to be stubborn and not be so law by law.. taking orders and following it without giving a thought... like.. think abit more la ... who is the one giving the orders.. me leh hello... sure got other meaning de wud... so easy follow.. lazy read into it? then dun bother asking me lo..there's only so much "tahaning" i can do and so much oh nth nvm la i can do too... seriously getting real frustrated over work that should be enjoyable..

For some reason i can  never leave a kbox session fully happy.. confirm will have some subtle thing that will hint to me that my singing is not pleasant.. like i dont expect to be like super zai or anything but ya.. kinda upsetting that i was not born with a nice voice.. like despite taking the time to learn how to do rifts and runs as well as vibrato.. haha ya cant seem to sound nice at all..

The best possible thing i can hear is suddenly someone praises someone else.. like ya.. i know he sings nice but ive been singing with that person for like 2 songs..so praising only one says alot for me..haha call me an attention whore but ya.. unconfident ppl like me needs these kind of stupid praised to feel more secure.

So ya i guess im just trying to avoid the fact that i suck at singing with all those nonsense from ppl saying ok lah and watever to cheer me up or like its like meh .. sigh curse this voice box of mine and the sound that comes out from it

Game Nerd moment so please dun mind me :P

Dun mean to be a mega bitch about things but...Even though you dun mean it the way you do.. my interpretation of your sentences, given the specific time and scenario, will be way off from what you actually meant..

"Passing me your skill"

Now...Saying this simply makes me feel like I never had any of my own skill to begin with.. as if I don't have a noticeable presence in a game...as if I'm there just to be there.. I know you don't mean it that way and that you are just saying it as a joke or form of encouragement but hey.. my brain is a mega bitch.

"Slowly learn lo"

Whenever I criticize myself or make a mistake and somehow tells me ... Slowly learn lo... it ticks me off..for one, if I am able to criticize myself to begin with.. it means I know my mistake and I have already "learnt" that particular way or method when playing the game just that I made an error which resulted in me NOT carrying it out... Telling me to learn smth I have already learnt makes me feel like you think I am always making this same mistake and that I always will.

"Ok lo/what/la/etc"

Number one most hated line of all time.. just like in singing when someone says .. Your singing is OK LA..so what? Is that a "I should continue singing cus it's pleasing to the ear?" or "stfu" or "Its not too bad...but i wont really want to hear it often.." or "its not too bad but i dun mind listening to it" etc... like.. yo.. I'm a tough grader and sometimes when something cool happens that makes me go HOLY CRAP OMG HAHAHA YES ... and I hear you say..it was OK LA...its like bitch please I'm not on your standard...sure i aint got the same amount of experience in the game but... i dunno I find it naturally degrading and just.. like makes me unmotivated to catch up since i will always be seen as someone of a lower level.

Maybe i'm being a huge bitch about it cus I keep commiting the same mistakes.. maybe i'm really not that good as I think I am.. who knows eh? I KNOW i'm good at LoL but after some shitty internet/games/watever... i'm beginning to question my capabilities as a gamer...

Used to think that my attributes were that of .. fast learner... quick reaction.. unexpecting.. innovative.. now is like.. plop.. nth.. Sure I thought of the whole moving the ghost of the dude and stunning when it returns but thats it? I'm  sure others have thought about it too and even created something more abt it.. but sigh.. i dunno.. is really skill as a gamer this bad the whole time? Or rather am I just faced with the feeling of inferiority due to the lack of compliments/ excessive amount of mistakes/lack of confidence..

BLeh.. i really do lack confidence..requiring the comments of people to believe what is what...and even then when i get compliments I hardly believe them.. saying that they are said simply cus they are my friends...oh well...

Now i know why I/people fish for compliments... we need them to feel better...